Favorite Jokes

Completely offensive to me.

Jokes are almost always unfunny and told by people who don't have the slightest sense of humor. Telling a joke that you are just passing on does not make you funny. Another thing about jokes is that people think that the joke will be funnier if they drag it out. Wrong. Embellishment kills a joke. The only thing funny is the punchline (except the movie The Aristocrats), so stop screwing around and just get to the end with as few words as possible. I have tried to whittle these down to the bare essence.

1) A pedophile serial killer is walking in the woods at night holding a little boy's hand.
“It's dark,” says the little boy. “I'm scared.”
“You're scared?” the serial killer screams. “I gotta walk back by myself!”

2) A hunter goes out into the woods with a shotgun and shoots at a bear. He misses. The bear is so angry that he grabs the hunter and forces the hunter to give him a blow job. The hunter comes back, this time with a high-powered rifle. He shoots several times and misses again. The bear is really pissed so he bends the hunter over a stump and sodomizes him. The hunter comes back, this time with a machine gun. He shoots off two clips, missing with every shot. The bear grabs the hunter and says, “This isn't really about hunting, is it?”

3) Two recruits are finishing their FBI training and it’s the final test. The training instructors take the first trainee aside and hand him a pistol. “For your last test you have to go into this room and kill the person inside.” The first trainee thinks this is a bit extreme, but he really wants to be an FBI agent so he goes inside. A couple minutes later he comes back out and tells his teachers that he couldn't do it. “Congratulations, you passed the test. We don't want some sort of psycho to become an FBI agent.” They do the same for second trainee. He enters the room, the door closes behind him and six shots ring out immediately, then a couple dry-fire clicks from the empty pistol, and after there is a terrible ruckus can be heard coming from inside the room. The ruffled second trainee walks out saying, “Some asshole put blanks in the gun so I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

4) A woman walks into his kitchen with a duck under her arm. “This is the pig I've been fucking,” she says.
“That's a duck,” her husband corrects her.
“I'm not talking to you.”

5) A guy asks his friend, “If you could have sex with any celebrity—alive or dead—who would you choose?”
“That's a great question,” his friends says, “I'd have to say Britney Spears...dead”

6) A man is at the hospital waiting to hear news about his wife who’s just had a terrible accident. The doctor approaches him.
“I’m afraid I have really bad news. Your wife will never walk again. She’s lost most of the functions of her brain. She’ll basically be a drooling vegetable for the rest of her life.”
“My God, that’s awful,” the husband replies.
“I’m just kidding,” the doctor says. “She’s dead.”

7) An older guy and his young wife visit a marriage counselor because the old dude isn’t satisfying his wife. The counselor suggests they invite a young man into their bedroom to wave a towel over them while they have sex to stimulate the younger woman. This doesn’t work so the doctor suggests that the young guy have sex with the woman while her husband waves the towel. The woman has a shrieking orgasm with the young guy. When his wife finally recovers, the husband yells at the young guy, “You little punk, now that’s how you wave a towel!”

8) Two Jews are sent to assassinate Hitler. They are waiting in front of his house for Hitler to return from work. When it is hours past his expected return, one of the would-be killers turns to the other and says, “Gee, I hope nothing’s happened to him.”