This Expensive Water Tastes Awesome!

Do you see this bottle of water that I’m drinking? It costs $3.99. I got it because it was the most expensive one in the store. I won’t put any of that other crap in my body. As you can see, the bottle isn’t even very big. It’s a half liter, whatever the fuck that means, fucking French people. It has some gay-sounding French name I can’t begin to pronounce so I don’t even try. I let my money do the talking for me. You can bet that foreign guy at the mini-mart is impressed by someone like me who throws away $3.99, plus tax, on water.

No, I don’t want a bag. I want everyone to see me drinking a bottle of water that costs as much as the recommended monthly donation to Save the Children. Hey kids, are you thirsty? I got bad news for you. You can’t share this with me. I go to the gym every day and I do yoga. I don’t eat fried food. I take care of my body. I’m not about to mess up my health by letting some diseased kid take a swig of my designer water. Keep drinking out of that puddle next to your hut. It hasn’t killed you yet.

Oh yeah, that is some good water. You wouldn’t believe how good it tastes. I can’t even describe it, that’s how smooth it is. Tom Cruise drinks this brand. I saw it on TV. I’ll bet he uses it to make ice cubes. He probably showers with it. I’m going to try that some time. I bet that would be sweet.

You can keep all of that lousy off-brand agua you poison yourself with. I would rather lie down on the sidewalk and let an old hobo take a leak in my mouth than settle for the bottled water you drink. I’ll keep shelling out $3.99 for this until something more expensive comes on the market. This stuff comes from the Alps. The Alps are in, like, Europe or Switzerland, right? That’s why it tastes so good.

I go through at least three bottles a day. Fuck no I don’t recycle. That’s for hippies. I don’t have time. People who work at landfills need jobs, too, but you probably never thought of that. I’m sure that if you Green Peace dorks had your way we’d all be drinking tap water. How are we supposed to illustrate the ever-widening socio-economic rift in this country if some of us aren’t allowed to spend $3.99 on a bottle of water? Try to think this through before you criticize guys like me who have nothing better to do with our disposable income than to rub poor people’s noses in the fact that $3.99 for a few ounces of water doesn’t mean shit to us.

You know what else? Not only am I not going to recycle this bottle but I’m just going to chuck it out the window because I don’t want a bunch of empties cluttering up the inside of my Hummer. I like to keep it nice. I get it detailed once a week and I keep it garaged. I’d like to be the guy who buys this thing off me when I move on to the next über status symbol/vehicle. I like to stay on the cutting edge—even with the water I drink.