Good in Bed

They spelled shop wrong but so what? 

In the name of research I spent the better part of the non-NFL weekend watching pornographic videos online and I came to a simple conclusion about the state of affairs in our troubled nation: Buy more clean-ex and call cleaning crew. Wait a second, that’s just something I meant to put on a post-it note to myself. I meant to say that America is obsessed with sex.

After watching these paid professionals get freaky, people who probably ride on the lead float in the annual Sexually Transmitted Disease Day parade; it is difficult not to wonder about your own sexual performance. You may be asking yourself, “Am I good in bed?” The answer is probably “no,” but keep reading.

First you have to break down “Good in Bed” into its three components and what those individual components mean. “Good” can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Say you were one of those unfortunate Mexican fishermen that they found drifting in the Pacific Ocean for 11 months. If you offered one of them a half-eaten microwave burrito you found under your car seat they would undoubtedly say it was good. It is all in the perception. If your own sexual technique is the moral equivalent of a half-eaten burrito found under a car seat then all you have to do is work on how you are perceived. There is probably an easier way to do this than to cast your partner out in a lifeboat for 11 months in the Pacific Ocean, but a better method doesn’t readily come to mind. Make sure to feed her cat while she’s gone.

Next there is the whole “bed” thing. Maybe you are good in places other than a bed? Perhaps your prowess can only be appreciated outside the stifling confines of the sleeping chamber. Probably not but I’m just saying this to be polite. As you get older you learn the hard way that a nice soft bed is about the only sane place to wrestle while undressed. Sure, you were a lot more spontaneous in your youth, but the last time you had sex in the kitchen you fell on the utensil drawer and then had go to the emergency room to have a melon baller surgically removed. As the doctor asked how this happened all you could think was, “I have a melon baller? Cool!” Just remember to wash it.

Finally there is the word “In.” Let’s be honest here; if you are somehow expecting a simple preposition to validate your miserable sexual performance then you are worse off than any of us ever imagined.