Important Notice

Special captions are available for the humor-impaired.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

My Big Fat Fake Life

My Niece Went to Venice and all I Got Was this Pic


I stole this photo and now I tell everyone that I took it. The real picture taker can either live with that or lawyer up. I’m pretty crummy at taking pictures. I’m crummy at lots of things but especially photography which is why I just started downloading my friends’ pictures which I now pass off as my own. Not only has my photography improved greatly but so has my life in general, at least my life as far as you can see.

I’ve never been to Tahiti but my snapshots from there are breathtaking. The woman I went with is so gorgeous, don't you agree? The best part is that I don’t even know her name. I love those casual relationships. In truth, I cropped her photo out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog. My virtual paramour eats even less than a real model so I saved a bundle on the cool restaurants we went to (see photos on my Facebook page).

You probably don’t know this but I have six children. Just look at those little darlings! They’re so darn cute. Even though they look nothing like me I can assure you that I’m their “real” dad, whatever that means. Yes, being a single father is a challenge but I’ve never wavered in the face of adversity. If you don’t believe me take a look at those views I took from the top of Mount Everest last year.

My diet consists almost entirely or ramen noodles and ketchup but no one would know that from all the great food shots that I post. To be honest, most of the food pictures from expensive restaurants don’t even look like something I’d eat and the portions are so small that I wonder if instead of a knife and fork they give you a rolled up $100 bill and you just snort whatever the hell that is on the plate?

I would imagine that lots of people fudge their lives on the internet, at least a little bit whether that means just putting your best foot forward and sharing only the best things in your day-to-day routine or flat out forgeries like what I’ve been doing.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Bigger the Better



It’s curious how I can be so frugal and such a complete glutton as well. I will go to almost comic lengths to save every drop of water that comes out of the taps yet I can never seem to cook for less than six people even though I live alone. Cooking small just doesn’t appeal to me in the least so I almost always cook for my phantom family.

When I make stock—either chicken, fish, beef, or pork—I like to make a lot as it takes the same time to make four liters of stock as it does to make three times that much. No matter how big my stock pot is I invariable surpass its limits and have liquid boiling over on to the top of my stove so I am always thinking to buy an even bigger caldron. I doubt that the size of the stock pot I use will keep me from over-filling it and having a broth volcano erupt on my stove but knowing that doesn’t keep me from looking for something even bigger than I have. "Something Even Bigger than I Have" will be the title of my memoir.


Monday, March 28, 2016

At Odds with Modern Technology: Episode #237



I just set all of my clocks to reflect the time change…except a digital German model in the kitchen. I couldn’t figure it out. I tossed the box with instructions a couple months ago so I threw the clock out, too.