The real estate mogul
then took a swing at McCain, whom he said he had supported in 2008.
“He’s not a war hero,” Trump® said mockingly. “He’s a war hero because
he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”
If Trump® mocked John McCain for
being captured during war just imagine the disdain he must hold for those U.S.
troops killed in action. Below are drafts of letters Trump® will send to the
parents of soldiers fallen in battle.
“Navy SEALs, totally over-rated. I like winners, not losers. What
says 'loser' more than dying? Winners live and losers die. Do I need to spell
this out for you? Your kid just didn’t have what it takes. A total
embarrassment to the nation.”
“He was crap at running
serpentine. One of the worst I’ve ever seen. Granted, running serpentine wouldn’t
have helped him as he was blown up inside his tank but still. He should have
tried harder at running in a zigzag, you know, manner.”
“I knew kids like yours back when
I served. I wore the uniform for four proud years but the difference is that I
survived, I survived four long years at New York Military Academy unlike your
son who obviously wasn’t very good at war stuff like me.”
By the time you read this I may
already be dead. Just to warn you in case you stop by my place and notice a
horrifying stench coming from under the door which can only mean my rotting
corpse or perhaps a very botched attempt at a curry. The cause of death will
almost certainly be that I was impaled on the evil palm tree that I found in
the trash and nursed back to health. I now realize that the previous owner
tried to make this plant die a slow horrible death and it probably deserved that
fate but I came along and commuted the sentence.
The tips of the fronds on this palm
are as sharp as needles so it’s basically like having a knife tree in my house.
I didn’t really consider this fact before I brought it in the door, somewhat
overwhelmed by the spirit of rescuing a half-dead tree that stands about a
meter and a half tall. I have it quarantined behind a bookshelf, as you can
see, but the best place for it is probably inside of the dumpster.
Consider this book the autopsy on the ascension of Trump®, a populist,
man-of-the-people leader who hasn’t ever pumped his own gas. Hell, I’d
wager that the guy has never flushed his own toilet and leaves that task
for lesser humans—and everyone is a lesser human in his eyes. Now it
will be the American people forced to clean up after the dump he takes
on what remains of our democracy.
Equal parts trenchant and hilarious, Insane Clown President is
perfect reading to get you through these rocky initial days of the Trump
administration and a good preparation for the horror that is sure to
come, because we elected a reality TV buffoon as our commander in chief.
So what did you expect? If this represents the death of our democracy
Taibbi quickly leads us to the murder weapon: television news and much
of the media, in general. We have turned the news into a consumer
product that people can change to suit their individual tastes like they
do for all other products.
“What we call right-wing and liberal media in this country are
really just two different strategies of the same kind of nihilistic
lizard-brain sensationalism. The ideal CNN story is a baby down a well,
while the ideal Fox story is probably a baby thrown down a well by a
Muslim terrorist or an ACORN activist. Both companies offer the same
service, it’s just that the Fox version is a little kinkier.”
When people wish to argue politics with me the first thing I ask them is
to tell me what they read to arrive at their political views. More
often than not the response is the Sarah Palin-esque “I read everything”
which, as with her, means the almost exact opposite which means that
they can’t be bothered to read anything at all, at least nothing longer
than a slogan that fits beneath a photo on some idiotic post they saw on
Facebook. Welcome to the post-literate age where there are facts and
alternative facts to fit any narrative.
If I have any complaint with Taibbi as a writer it is his constant use
of the most arcane pop culture references to make his points. I guess
this works if you are in on the reference but I wonder how readers ten
years from now will view this book as he obviously is looking ahead a
bit with his mention of Hunter Thompson. I happen to think that Taibbi
is a much better reporter than Thompson and perhaps even funnier. I also
don’t know why he doesn’t attribute some of the funnier lines in the
book to his fellow reporters. He’s a reporter so why doesn’t he write
down the name of the guy who quipped, “His lawn mower is gay?” after the
Wisconsin governor said that marriage freedoms would open the door to
someone walking down the aisle with his lawn mower. Or after Ted Cruz
claims that some kids gave him money from their lemonade stand for his
campaign. After Cruz drops out shortly thereafter another of Taibbi’s
anonymous colleague asks, “Does he get to use the lemonade money to pay
Here is a perfect example of Taibbi at his best, being both trenchant and hilarious:
“If this isn’t the end for the Republican Party, it’ll be a shame.
They dominated American political life for 50 years and were never
anything but monsters. They bred in their voters the incredible attitude
that Republicans were the only people within our borders who raised
children, loved their country, died in battle or paid taxes. They even
sullied the word “American” by insisting they were the only real ones.
They preferred Lubbock to Paris, and their idea of an intellectual was
Newt Gingrich. Their leaders, from Ralph Reed to Bill Frist to Tom DeLay
to Rick Santorum to Romney and Ryan, were an interminable assembly line
of shrieking, witch-hunting celibates, all with the same haircut—the
kind of people who thought Iran-Contra was nothing, but would grind the
affairs of state to a halt over a blow job or Terri Schiavo’s feeding
I just decided to change the name of my make-believe punk rock band to Terri Schiavo's Feeding Tube.
(CNN) - Toby Keith, 3 Doors Down and Lee Greenwood will headline a
concert for President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration, his inaugural
committee announced. Earlier in the evening there will be a magic show, a
juggler will perform, and there will be balloon animals for the kids. Admission
price is $599.99 and includes a “Make America Great Again” ball cap. Proof of
citizenship is required.
How about a mariachi band made up of Trump impersonators? Somebody
must have thought that up already, right? Just the thought makes me happy. It's
like the Tuesday night line-up at a Holiday Inn somewhere in rural Alabama or the grand opening of a Taco Bell. I
wonder if Lee is going to sing “I’m Proud to be an American.” I was going to
google 3 Doors Down then thought to myself, “Why the fuck would you do that?”
They are rolling out some real titans of the entertainment industry
for the Inauguration Day on Friday. I can’t make it because I’ll be busy
digging a bomb shelter and stocking up on canned goods. What’s your excuse?
NOTICE! Please don’t tell me to “get over it and move on” or “just
give Trump a chance” or tell me that I should respect the office of POTUS.
First of all, I’m not one of these “not my president” types. And fuck you, give
Trump a chance. The very first thing on his agenda is to deny health care—once
again—to 18 million Americans just because they want to do everything possible
to destroy Obama’s legacy. Don’t give me any bullshit like we can’t afford it
because these same folks didn’t say a word when we were blowing up Iraq and
building Pizza Huts there for America soldiers presumably in for the very long
haul. Lastly, I won’t be lectured on respecting the office ofPOTUS from a guy who seems to be using it to
further his shady businesses.
Please don’t confuse your right to free expression with me not
giving a shit about your stupid and mostly misinformed views.
“What? Not another insulting piece about President-elect Trump®! Why
don’t you at least give him a chance before you criticize him?” OK, as soon as
he stops being a maniac I’ll stop but his press conference on Wednesday displayed
just what this guy is made of: bile, insults, childishness, and stupidity.
If Trump loses his mind over chicken shit like a bad review of his restaurant just think what will happen when he is pilloried in the press every
day for his shit policies. He will go from being the most known man on the
planet to the most hated in a couple of months. He’s going to spend every waking
hour tweeting insults to his enemies who will rank in the tens of millions. The
European press is already horrified by the mere thought of him being in charge
so I can only imagine that the tone among journalists here will soon reach new
levels of vitriol.
As Trump® is about to get flayed allow me to borrow a line from
Jack Reacher, “Remember. You wanted this.” Although this may not be entirely
accurate because I truly think that the man didn’t really want to become
president. He just wanted to sort of playact the part, like a role on a TV
How will this all end? Not well, I’m quite sure of that. Bill Maher
hit the nail on the head when he quipped that Trump® has the impulse control of
a grease fire. I can’t see him improving in this area anytime soon and he
certainly isn’t going to get any smarter, not in this lifetime. Stupid, poorly
informed or misinformed, and as petulant as you would expect any hyper-rich 11
year old child to be, these are not traits that make for a good leader of any
country. I would feel uncomfortable seeing him as the president of El Salvador.